Funn-E-Stuff

A Plan for the Future

2012-02-25T14:00:00.002-08:00

For two years an man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey!" she said, "You received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatball … two without ... Send Extra Sauce

Help from my wife ...

2012-02-25T13:56:00.002-08:00

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did ...

She's 21 and her name's Lucy.

Advice from my broker ...

2012-02-25T13:48:00.002-08:00

I called my stockbroker this morning and asked him what I should be investing in as I feel interest rates are going to be rising as they did during the late 70's early 80's.

I told him I thought we ought to be looking into getting out of bonds and looking for a safe haven to invest. I asked if we should move to precious metals, foreign currency or what?

He said to me, "If the current President is in office much longer ... canned goods, water and ammunition are your best bet."

Just thought I'd pass that along today.

What Do You Need?

2012-02-25T13:44:00.001-08:00

A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need at home.

The first child announced, "A computer."

The teacher replied, "That would be very useful."

The second student said, "A new lawn mower" and gets a similar response.

Little Johnny pops up and said, "At my house we don't need nothin."

The teacher asked him to think again carefully as everybody needs something.

Little Johnny replied, "Nope … I'm sure. Last night at dinner my sister said that she was pregnant and I remember my daddy said, ‘Well, that's the last damned thing we needed.’”

9 Months After the Ski Trip

2012-02-25T13:32:00.003-08:00

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Kevin. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard and pulled into a nearby farm they were driving past. They found an attractive lady who answered the door and asked if they could spend the night.

“I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,” she explained. “I'm afraid the neighbors would talk if I let you stay in my house.”

“Don't worry,” Jack said. “We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Kevin and asked, “Kevin, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about nine months ago?”

“Sure, I do.” said Kevin.

“Did you, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”

“Well, yes!” Kevin said, a little embarrassed about being found out. “I have to admit that I did.”

“And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?”

Kevin's face turned beet red and he said, “Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?”

“Because she just died and left me everything.”

Condoms for Donald

2012-02-25T13:21:00.002-08:00

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex. "Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald. The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"

"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'd thuffocate!"

In Case I Die ...

2012-02-25T13:18:00.001-08:00

On lazy Sunday morning the wife and I were quiet and thoughtful. We were sitting around the breakfast table when I unexpectedly said, “When I die, I want you to sell all of my stuff … immediately.”

“Now why would you want me to do something like that?” she asked.

“Well,” I said, “A woman as fine as you would eventually remarry and I don’t want some other asshole using my stuff.”

She looked at me intently and finally said, “What makes you think I’d marry another asshole?”

Even in the Bird World ...

2012-02-25T10:13:00.002-08:00

Can you pick out the male? The female?

Thought so ...

What did you think it meant?

2012-02-25T10:02:00.000-08:00

Political Statement on your Chest

2012-02-25T09:59:00.002-08:00

Governor Jan has a word with the Prez

2012-02-08T13:19:00.001-08:00

Polish Hunting Trip

2012-02-08T13:12:00.000-08:00

Two Polish hunters got a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness, where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one Moose.

The hunters objected strongly saying, "Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both ... and he had exactly the same airplane as yours."

Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded.

However, even under full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Zbyshek and Vladek survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Zbyshek asked, "Any idea where we are?"

Vladek replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

Pet Frog ...

2012-01-20T12:24:00.000-08:00

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blow jobs."

"Blow jobs!" the woman exclaimed.

"It hasn't been proved to me, but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true ... no more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks. "What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone."

Careless Companion

2012-01-20T12:16:00.000-08:00

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog. They come to a busy intersection and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of the traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.

The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog.

A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"

The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."

Nothing Like a Good Education ...

2011-12-31T11:06:00.000-08:00

This was sent to us by an individual who is obviously very interested in education. He is one of those people that believes who believes that students today are being “dumbed down” in order to get them through school. As proof of his position he submitted to us some questions and answers from recently submitted GED exams. You be the judge …

Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?
A. Premature death.

Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow (really … you can’t argue with that)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section.'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shriek wears on his head.

Cletus and Billy Bob

2011-12-31T10:54:00.000-08:00

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when through a gap in the door he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move and lets his overalls fall down to his hips revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Grabbing both sides of his shirt he rips it apart to reveal his stained tee shirt underneath. Then with a final flourish he tears the tee shirt from his body and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing Billy Bob?"

"Jeez Cletus … ya scared the snot out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.

Billy Bob looked around and spoke softly, "Now don't be tellin' nobody 'cause it's embarrassin'. You see, me and the Ole lady been having trouble lately in the bedroom department. So, I went to see a Therapist and he toll me that I needed to do something sexy to a tractor."

The Spoon

2011-12-31T10:45:00.000-08:00

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, “Why the spoon?”

“Well,” he explained, “The restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.”

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. “I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now,” he said.

I was impressed.

Later I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, “Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?”

“Oh, certainly!” Then he lowered his voice. “Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.”

I asked quietly, “After you get it out ... how do you put it back without touching it?”

“Well,” he whispered, “I don't know about the others … but I use the spoon.”

Blonde Windows?

2011-12-31T10:41:00.001-08:00

A year ago a blonde was convinced to buy some replacement windows for her house. They were the expensive double-pane energy efficient kind.

She received a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed an entire year ago and she still hadn't paid for them.

The blonde said, “Hellloooo … Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.”

She told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told her last year that … “In ONE YEAR these windows will pay for themselves!”

“Helllooooo?” she said again. “It's been a year.”

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so she finally just hung up.

The contractor never called back ... and she thought to herself, “I bet he felt like an idiot.”

Story of an Old Sailor

2011-12-31T10:34:00.000-08:00

An old, retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more … just for old time’s sake.

He stops in at the house of pleasures that he had frequented so many times in his younger years and engages a prostitute who takes him up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can, for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks the woman, “How am I doing?”

The prostitute replies, “Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.”

“Three knots?” he asks. “What's that supposed to mean?”

She says, "You're not hard, you're not in, and you're not getting your money back!”

Smart Kids ...

2011-12-31T10:26:00.000-08:00

The Sunday school teacher asked, "Timmy, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"

"No," replied Timmy. "How could he? He only had two worms."

Birthday Gift

2011-12-29T15:31:00.000-08:00

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, “How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?”

The salesperson answers, “Which one do you mean, Sir? We have Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95.”

The amazed father asks, “It's what? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?”

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers, “Sir ... Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends and a key chain made with Ken's balls.”

Political Science for Dummies ...

2011-12-29T15:17:00.000-08:00

DEMOCRAT
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. Under the new farm program, the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other and then pour the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You drink some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You drink some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons and grow poppies to make drugs to buy more weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese Only five speak English. Most are illegal. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

Best Bar Sign ... EVER

2011-12-29T15:12:00.000-08:00

What every wife has been needing ...

Big Story of 2011

2011-12-29T15:06:00.000-08:00

Without a doubt, the biggest news story of 2011 was the death of Osama Bin Laden.

We bring you now a photo of the marker by his grave site ...

Hooter's Research

2011-12-29T15:02:00.001-08:00

The extensive research concerning Hooters has just been completed:

Two things about Hooters are absolutely clear:

9 out of 10 men prefer women with big hooters ...

and the 10th guy prefers the other 9 guys.

OMG explained ...

2011-12-29T14:52:00.001-08:00

Bi-Partisan approved ...

.... Available in all sizes ...

........ Get one while supplies last!

Over 70 Texting ...

2011-12-29T14:43:00.000-08:00

To help you understand the older generation, we're supplying you with their texting codes so that you aren't confused.

OLD PEOPLE TEXTING CODES:

ATD - at the doctor.
BFF - best friend fell.
BTW - bring the wheelchair
BYOT - bring your own teeth.
FWIW - forgot where I was.
GGPBL - gotta go, pacemaker battery low.
GHA - got heartburn again.
IMHO - is my hearing aid on?
LMDO - laughing my dentures out.
OMMR - on my massage recliner.
TTYL - talk to you LOUDER
ROFLACGU - rolling on floor laughing and can't get up!

Another "Sign" of the Times ...

2011-12-27T09:38:00.001-08:00

This just about sums it up ... don't you think?

Here's Your Sign ... Again

2011-12-13T14:55:00.000-08:00

Things are a little easier down in Alabama ...

Happy Thanksgiving

2011-11-20T11:17:00.000-08:00

And now you know how Pumpkin Pie is really made ...

(Originally posted Thanksgiving 2009)

Sign of the Times ...

2011-11-19T14:04:00.001-08:00

Nice sign, Bud

JOBS ...

2011-11-19T14:00:00.001-08:00

Nuff Said ...

Gone But Not Forgotten ...

2011-09-05T05:05:00.000-07:00

We are told that this headstone can be found in Logan, Utah

How Dry Is It?

2011-08-29T14:02:00.000-07:00

The New Texas Rain Gauge ...

Changing Parties

2011-08-29T13:50:00.000-07:00

After running into Michelle Bachman at the Iowa State Fair, Ex-President Bill Clinton has decided to change parties and be Ms Bachman's personal assistant and advisor.

An E-Bay Problem

2011-08-28T12:05:00.002-07:00

Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on E-Bay?

I put in a $5 bid for a "Mickey Mouse Outfit"

and now it seems
I'm only nineteen minutes away
from owning Obama's entire Cabinet.

A Democrat was Right

2011-08-24T12:00:00.001-07:00

"You're right, I should have settled for a blow job!"

Good Strategy?

2011-08-23T08:05:00.000-07:00

...............

I know this is supposed to be the smartest administration ever, but if I were running a campaign with a fairly unpopular incumbent , the last thing I’d do is have a reelection slogan whose initials were WTF.

Here's Your Sign ...

2011-08-07T16:30:00.001-07:00

Some outdoor Church signs that we enjoyed ...

And Now ... A Word from the President

2011-07-13T12:13:00.000-07:00

Enlightened by the Truth ...

2011-07-12T12:10:00.000-07:00

We are always impressed when the absolute truth shows up in short form:

The problems we face today are there because the people who work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living.

Alaskan Sign

2011-06-14T14:04:00.001-07:00

The Pirate

2011-06-07T11:01:00.000-07:00

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."

The pirate nodded and replied, "It was my first day with the hook."

Is Now Revealed ...

2011-06-07T10:42:00.000-07:00

The Pentagon has finally announced the identity of the man responsible for giving the information that finally led to the location of bin Laden. While they have not supplied the informant's name, they have released a photo ...

Glad That's Cleared Up ...

2011-06-07T10:38:00.001-07:00

It's finally been cleared up ... now we know the team that took out bin Laden ...

Thanks, Mr President for setting us straight.

Alas ... the Chinese Doctor

2011-05-31T14:20:00.000-07:00

While in China, a man was very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.”

The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc.”

The doctor answers, “I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate it.”

The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.”

The doctor replies, “Well, go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.”

The next day the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.”

The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate it!”

The Chinese doctor shakes his head, laughs and says, “Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Mow money dat way. No need to amputate!”

“Oh, thank God!” the man replies.

“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor, “Wait two weeks ... fawl off by self!”

Hail the Medicine Man

2011-05-31T14:08:00.000-07:00

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The medicine man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is powerful medicine. It must be respected. You take only teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The old man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until next full moon."

The old man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" and immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition ... because we could end up with a dangling participle.

Who Sank the Titanic?

2011-05-18T12:44:00.000-07:00

A plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese."

"No rike Chinese?" asks the copilot, "Why not?"

"You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!"

"No, no," the co-pilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese."

"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese ... doesn't matter. You're all alike."

There's a few minutes of silence ... "I no rike Jews," the copilot suddenly announces.

"Oh yeah, why not?" Asks the captain.

"Jews sink Titanic." says the co-pilot.

"What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "It was an iceberg."

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , nomattah...all same."

Need a Doormat?

2011-05-18T11:54:00.000-07:00

Doormats with an Attitude ...

Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs

2011-04-11T13:17:00.000-07:00

In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructions also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying. Following is a perfect example of those teachings:

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?''

"Of course child. What may I do for you?”

"Well," she said, "I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened, but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?''

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie," the Priest advised.

The young woman smiled and said, "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?''

"From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?''

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "You are too funny, Father. You’re free to go.”

Did Philip Fart?

2011-03-25T15:18:00.000-07:00

Observe the photos and you decide ...

Now look back at the Queen's face ...

Change your mind?

Gas Prices ...

2011-03-15T13:38:00.000-07:00

That's about right ...

Yup ... Right Again

Strange Old Tool

2011-03-11T11:35:00.000-08:00

Do You Know What This Is?

This old tool has been reintroduced in Washington DC by the Obama Administration.
It will be part of the New Health Care Program.

A New Pistol

2011-03-07T14:49:00.001-08:00

Ruger is coming out with a new pistol in honor of Obama.

It will be named the “Union Worker.”
It doesn’t work and you can’t fire it.

Is Sex Work?

2011-01-13T14:01:00.000-08:00

Here is the "military version" of the old question ... Is Sex Work.

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50-50%.

A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

Classified Section

2011-01-12T12:14:00.000-08:00

Ad in a British newspaper …

FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married. Wife knows everything.

Wonderful Afterlife

2011-01-12T12:08:00.000-08:00

Gwen was one of those UGLY women, so she never had a boyfriend. So she went to a psychic for help.

“Honey!” said the psychic. “You will not have luck in love in this life. But after death, you will be a much desired woman and all men will fall at your feet.”

Gwen left very happy and excited. As she went over a bridge she thought, "The sooner I die the sooner my next life begins."

She decided to jump off the bridge right away. But, incredibly, Gwen didn't die.

She fell on the back of a truck full of bananas; she lost her senses and fainted.

As soon as she recovered, still drowsy and not being able to see very well and not knowing where she was, she started touching her surroundings.

Feeling all the bananas she mumbled with a huge smile on her face and said, "GENTLEMEN, PLEASE! ONE AT A TIME!”

Coincidence?

2011-01-12T11:58:00.000-08:00

This next year, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address occur on the same day. It is an ironic juxtaposition of events; one involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication while the other involves a groundhog.

Secret ...

2011-01-12T11:52:00.000-08:00

"If we want to keep our nation's secrets 'SECRET,' store them where President Obama stores his college transcripts and birth certificate."

Homeland Security Update

2011-01-10T14:08:00.001-08:00

As we look back on the 2010 results of the Department of Homeland Security we view the year’s statistics on discoveries achieved by airport screening:

Terrorist Plots Discovered: 0
Transvestites: 133
Hernias: 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases: 3,172
Enlarged Prostates: 8,249
Breast Implants: 459,350
Natural Blonds: 3

New Romance Novel ...

2011-01-06T08:55:00.000-08:00

He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice, close to my ear, "Just relax."

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing and moving upward along my calves, slowly, but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs I gave a slight shudder and I partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage and I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine.

Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking "no" for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say . . . . .

"Okay, ma'am," said a voice. "All done."

My eyes snapped open and he was standing in front of me, smiling, holding out my purse.

"You can board your flight now."

A Cowboy in Heaven

2010-12-30T08:52:00.000-08:00

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered. “On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face ... Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground and I yelled … Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!”

St. Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?

The cowboy leaned over, spit and said, “Couple of minutes ago.”

Plans Scrubbed ...

2010-12-30T08:29:00.001-08:00

We've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids was not a good product name.

A Damned Fine Explanation

2010-12-30T08:19:00.000-08:00

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

As you might expect, she was somewhat upset. "You are a disrespectful pig," she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you .. I want a divorce right away!"

The husband replied, "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

So the husband began, "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same."

The husband took a quick breath and continued, "She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

New Government Regulations for 2011

2010-12-30T08:15:00.000-08:00

The government will be requiring new food labels that are more specific.

Products will now be labeled "no fat," "low fat," "reduced fat" and "fat, but with a great personality."

WHAT?

2010-12-30T07:33:00.000-08:00

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems.

"Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor.

"Yes. Homer is a fat, yellow, lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny woman with big blue hair."

Traditional Christmas Greeting

2010-12-24T06:06:00.000-08:00

To Our Liberal Friends:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2011, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

To Our Conservative Friends:

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Letter to Santa

2010-12-24T05:56:00.000-08:00

A young girl wrote a simple letter to Santa,

"Dear Santa. Please send me a baby brother."

Santa wrote back …

"Send me your mama ..."

What is a Calorie?

2010-12-24T05:52:00.001-08:00

Calories are the little bastards that get into your wardrobe at night and sew your clothes tighter.

MY CLOSET IS INFESTED WITH THE LITTLE SHITS!

Hot New Christmas Toy ...

2010-12-07T13:53:00.000-08:00

Hot toy for 2010 Christmas. Only $9.99 + $199.95 tax

Touching Story ...

2010-12-06T12:18:00.000-08:00

We overheard a touching conversation between a mother and her son ...

A little boy says to his mother, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"

His mother replied, "Don't even go there! From what I can remember about that freakin’ party, you're lucky you don't bark!”

Just a Thought ...

2010-12-06T11:57:00.000-08:00

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle.

It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain.

Amazing Cane ...

2010-12-04T14:54:00.000-08:00

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, “Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc ?”

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. “I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.

One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang.' Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?” asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”

The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”

Follow the Instructions ...

2010-12-04T14:41:00.000-08:00

One of our fans sent us this list of “instructions” on product Packages, given to us poor, ignorant folks who need help with everything we do. We included our fan’s side comments …

On a bar of Dial soap - Directions: Use like regular soap. (and that would be how?)

On some Swanson frozen dinners - Serving suggestion: Defrost. (but its just a suggestion)

On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on the bottom) - Do not turn upside down. (Well…duh, a bit late)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron - Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn’t that be a big time saver?)

On a Children’s Cough Medicine - Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication. (This one came from England. They don’t have child labor laws?)

On Nytol Sleep Aid - Warning: May Cause Drowsiness. (And I’m taking this because?)

On most brands of Christmas lights - For indoor or outdoor use only. (as opposed to…)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts - Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts. (Is there a step 3?)

On a Swedish chainsaw - Do not attempt to stop chain saw with your hands or genitals. (…was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

How Old are You?

2010-12-04T14:07:00.000-08:00

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, “How old was your husband?”

“98,” she replied. “Two years older than me.”

“So you're 96,” the undertaker commented.

She responded, “Hardly worth going home, is it?”

Taser Tester

2010-12-04T13:52:00.000-08:00

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety?

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed, but learned that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference: pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best to explain it...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie our cat looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "don't do it dip shit." But reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button.

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD ... WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION ... WHAT THE HELL!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

Your muscles contract from the first nanosecond and you will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. How long did I zap myself? A three second burst would be considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!

Sometime later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head that I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

Hotel Stay ...

2010-12-04T13:47:00.000-08:00

I booked into the hotel and said to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

"No," she says, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard."

Think You Have Problems?

2010-12-03T08:23:00.000-08:00

When you are down in the dumps and think you have real PROBLEMS, just remember:

Somewhere in this world there is a MR. PELOSI.

(photo borrowed from fireandreamitchell.com)

New Boots

2010-12-03T08:15:00.000-08:00

An elderly couple, Martha and David, moved to Texas.

David always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Martha looked him over and said, "Nope."

Frustrated, David stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Martha, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Martha looked up and exclaimed, "David, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!"

Furious, David yelled, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARTHA?”

"Nope," she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"

Without changing her expression, Martha replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, David ... Ya Shoulda bought a hat."

Give Him an A+

2010-11-30T11:50:00.000-08:00

Tiger proves that the therapy is working ....

I Will Not Look ...
I Will Not Look ...
I Will Not Look ...

The Thanksgiving Parrot

2010-11-23T05:31:00.000-08:00

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.

The parrot yelled back.

John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude.

John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

Family Thanksgiving

2010-11-21T19:40:00.000-08:00

One year at Thanksgiving my Mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish game hen, and inserted it into the turkey and re-stuffed the turkey. She put it back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you killed a pregnant bird!"

At the reality of this horrifying news my sister started to cry.

It took the whole family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs.

Once Again ... You Write the Caption ...

2010-11-14T12:04:00.000-08:00

Anger Management

2010-11-11T13:30:00.001-08:00

Bank Robber

2010-11-09T12:53:00.000-08:00

A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber’s face. Without hesitation the robber shot the customer and killed him.

He looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.

Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, ‘Well, did anyone else see my face?’

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak.

Then, one old cowboy tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you."

Honesty in Advertising ...

2010-11-08T06:59:00.000-08:00

There's nothing else to say ...

Bumper Sticker of the Day ...

2010-11-04T10:12:00.001-07:00

In This World ...

2010-11-03T10:21:00.000-07:00

There are too many Villians ...
And not enough Heros

Post Halloween Humor

2010-11-02T10:15:00.000-07:00

(If you are blonde you may need some help with this one)

Halloween Warning ...

2010-10-31T07:15:00.000-07:00

New Cloaking Device ...

2010-10-20T15:29:00.001-07:00

You may need to click on the pic to be able to see it clearly

Attention Blondes: You must look Very Closely at the pic to understand the joke.

Darling Husband ...

2010-10-19T13:20:00.000-07:00

My darling husband,

Before you return from your business trip, I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately it's not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but fortunately the pick up came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture of the damage for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.

XXX

P.S. Your girlfriend called.

You Write the Caption ...

2010-10-12T13:29:00.001-07:00

This dog is saying ...........

And on the 8th Day ...

2010-10-01T06:49:00.000-07:00

One day a man said to his wife, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."

The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me. God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

Taste Test

2010-09-28T07:47:00.000-07:00

A third grade teacher was teaching her class about the body's senses. The lesson for today was concerned with the sense of taste.

She would have the children put a Lifesavor in their mouths with their eyes closed and then determine the flavor by the taste.

The children began to identify the flavors by their color.

First she gave them a red one that they identified it as cherry. Then a yellow one they decided was lemon. The green one was certainly lime and the orange one was orange.

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers, but none of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, "I'll will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, "Oh my God! They're assholes!"

Devastating Carnage

2010-09-20T13:41:00.000-07:00

Brace yourself before looking at the attached image.

A pilot at low level has no control over his aircraft. It narrowly misses a crowd gathered for the air show and slams into four buildings.

One can only imagine the horror of the occupants trapped inside those buildings.

Very, Very Slowly ...

2010-09-10T05:27:00.000-07:00

On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales ...

At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch, they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress, "Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?"

The girl leaned over and said, "Burrr-Gurrr-King."

Butts ...

2010-09-03T08:44:00.001-07:00

Princess Letizia of Spain.
First lady Carla Bruni of France.
And, guess who?

And the fashinon sense ... oh my ...
"Sleeveless" is still all the rage ... right?

We always say ... if you've got a Big Butt ... put a bow on it to make certain you have everyone's attention.

An Irish Confession

2010-09-02T09:58:00.000-07:00

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

Speed Trap Ahead ...

2010-08-31T14:07:00.001-07:00

Speed Signs ... Western Style